Tuesday, October 5, 2010

brain wave





Brain wave!!!



A man I knew ???

 




That mob did shout its vulgar claims

But the words to me were  a word of praise

And among those faces ,I saw his too

 a piece of my soul..a man I knew…..


my greys  were obvious, my skin too pale

those vicious men still vile to pay

for a bed that  still did stink of sweat

and  a working muse ;too fragile to fret


we succumb to hands and minds too strong

with desires strong  and lusting thoughts

for a paper piece to feed our sons;

a gift from some old acquaintance..


we fail to clothes and perfumes too

and  in an endless chatter line in queues

to get caught by beasts with  heavy eyes

and  earn a living..cheap and vile


a journey with a man I loved

at fifteen,when Id  been just  a child

,in love  with trust I had fled with pride

To a destination that would forever be mine


My place to learn my stride and life

And my lover to be my first client

A dungeon now where still men fight


And I spot now a piece of my soul
A man I once so well  knew……







  

I Fall For The Endless






My mirth mirthfully fled to its highest height

It Pursued the wind saline; the true guide in flight.

But my black friends wait daunting their jaunt and play

For their hopes for gifts from the endless; endlessly lay


The sand looked pricey in its precious shades

But I strode the coast, and left foot prints that’d fade

The land shimmered well, but that’s just the suns play

I don’t t sway like the sand  for  that sun far away


the bright  ball now was waging war with the world,

it showed off its hold of the ultimate power.

my eyes get salted at a  glimpse of that shine

but I can t even in dreams make that sea saline


like a woman’s core, the sea  but stood  strong,

it proved the coast weak and the raging sun wrong,

it grasped the shore and gobbled the big ball,

my heart fell  for its love and endurance,

and filled   with eternal radiance





 



I give birth to death in dungeons…..





A thousand Flowers my tomb might wear..

My kin would weep and pray…

 But Where I’d lay, the land might tear..

of the curse I’ve earned  for fare..


 

Vengeance and spite burnt the hearts

of men who hid in hides..

they slid their heads into those loops..

that would plunge them to  blood pools




Ive slain them all who were called felons

And who had kept blasphemous thoughts..

But abhorrence for that stinking blood

Dint burn me anymore…




No dirge the skies will sing for me..

This earth may shy to shield,

The corpse of this old man who lived..

By killing convicts with a heart unhealed…



I complied the orders of justice..

And slayed  those  convicts cold

But They were too just lads of lord..

 Of whose death but no one mourned..



I stole their lives and made my life

 One filled with curse in rife…

Will a man of duty bid to lie

In death with peace for long????....






 

Riding On Hope





The shameless glass reflected me

But not my young soul, just the wrinkled skin

My neck showed bare pale and plain

No string of love binding me..oh! I’m in vain


I wind back the wind which had let me down

When he told  me, wearing my favorite frown

Expressions on his face I remember and love’

But then, they were too bold to let my love drown



He had things  to do..Important and signed ,

It was my passion and love he had left behind

I had longed for his little sign on me,

His  string of matrimony binding me


He held my hands safe in the warmth of his

Little did I know, that warmth I would never feel

Helpless am I but to curse this mirror,

Which reflects me old and insane in love

It has been riding me the hope I have

He will return, my dreams I carve……






  

Regret beneath sepulchers








The debt of heavy love I bore

To each tear on my corpse;

I reckon so well the salinity

Apart from these deep raindrops


Oh mom!..thou took me here to live

But that bit of love I failed to give

Beneath this grave, I beg in vain and pain…

Oh…Forgive me! Yes! Yet again


Thy heart is strong; why? My dad, it’s you!

Thy piece of salt stains my tomb…

Forever by boundless love thou give

I would return it in doubles if I could live


I can’t count how much I’ve counted on you

You’ve given me thy life, thy love, thy care

Oh…my mate thy tears; I can’t bear,

 ‘Cause thee shed it for me...who forever acted vain


The world now seems a wonderful place

Where every trouble solves in its own grace

Love I did give thee, but you gave back more

Oh! How I wish I could live once more?.




 




right from the heart!

 

A Note To My Mom...:)

If I actually write a note to you mom, I would probably fill it up with apologies..And more apologies..Its not that I am guilty I did something wrong...Its just because I have had this feeling that I am not good enough a daughter for a wonderful person like you...I don’t know much about what you have gone through in life..But I know life has been a bit hard on you...I know It because you know so much...So much about handling life...You have always been an expert in playing it cool…and I’m sure it came to you through experience. I have gone through plenty of self help books and inspirational ones too…you say you have never read stuff like it..But you don’t really have to nor will it interest you because you know all of it, and with mere modesty you say you don’t…you know it all mom..Because whenever I come to you with a problem..You have always had a solution for it...Including the ones in math…of course it would be very stupid if I portray you as a perfect person…maybe not..But you are a perfect mother .at least according to me, you are. Most of the time you are absolutely comfortable to let me have my way...You have had great trust in me and have let me take my decisions with a trust that I will take it right..And if at all it went wrong it was just a lesson your daughter had to learn in life...That is one thing I admire about you and always will. I know you have never intentionally done anyone any wrong..And this trust you have in me keeps me on the same track too. And the interesting thing about it is you have never asked me to do it...You have never asked me to do anything mom. You have scolded me a hundred times and you have said a thousand no’s to me..But somehow I have always been able to accept it. maybe for then I did feel sad..But u were right …somehow you are always right. I admit I have been rude and angry to you at times and I have hurt you…but one thing I have never had to ask you was to forgive me...You would do it anyways.... One main thing I have always wanted…I wanted you to be happy and so I wanted you to have the best daughter...And now if I am guilty at all ,its because I know I am not…and I am sorry. However I’m fighting mom..One day..I hope you will be happy mom...You will not regret having me…I love you

 

 


Hell or heaven?


God offered me a visit to heaven for a period of 960 months and a choice between wings and horns. I promptly accepted this offer to find myself in the colorful, beautiful paradise. But it was right then, slipping through the entrance that I realized that god had just one passport which had gone for me. It was maybe because I was alone, but anyhow, the place looked lost...Or maybe, it was my mind which was lost…in thoughts, which I must confess, were indecipherable; even for its very owner! I had but with me the hope, the strong belief that god must have left me a guide, at least for my first few months here. Yes...God after all had been fair, validating my faith in him...a kind ‘miss I know everything ‘guide who knew well that I was ‘Mr. know nothing’! Completely exploiting the seniority she had over me, I just doubted whether she was talking a bit more now...In that ridiculous language which again…I dint know!

Getting that blanket off me any time near was out of question, well, but it sure is an inconvenient necessity. My punctual alarm woke up again from its snooze, and let me know that it had had enough of the sleeping with its screeching loud noise. I forced the warmth, off my body to shut the damn loud noise! And there! Ta da! Another 9 am set on its face. My mind was so reluctant to do just anything now, but the routine must be kept...the same workplace, the same work load and the never ending competition would be waiting for my contribution of complaints and anger… rushing through the door of my workplace, settling in my place, taking a look at the people around me, I made a fool of myself because then, I was feeling assured ;‘cause every face around me lacked inspiration...wrinkles of reluctance on each forehead…everyone looked as miserable as I did... lost in a war where the aim is not victory, but to fail others and save oneself…….but Wait...What’s that on my head?

Of course I see no god now, but that once ridiculous appearing language is heavenly now, that once proud looking(but always right) guide, my angel, my mom…my thoughts clear in my heart, like messages from god…I guess when he sent me here, he had found a place in my heart to hide in to reach here safe (without a passport) .the voice in my heart speaks loud and clear…what if I don’t heed it?, I’d probably carry a regret all my life and an ugly horn..Chosen instead for pretty wings

 

 

 a letter to benzene...




12:30 pm

 study room

study table opp. the comp.

home

Dear resonating benzene,

I reckon that you are very similar to me ; we are not at all useful…you create trouble everywhere . you confuse students just like I confuse teachers.do you realize that both of us go round and round and appear pretty weird to the world? you alone know your structure and god alone knows why and how your electrons  go round  and round your body. Its just like how my brain tries to concentrate  in all directions but  only I know what I’m trying to achieve. My chemistry teachers will be able to draw resonating structures for my thoughts that go round  and round and round and round.

Neucleophilic  substitution reactions are bad because I can understand it but hate writing it down. If my chem teacher asks me, I’m most likely to forget..and then what?? Ramitha will start staring at me,and  I’ll get scared.nucleophilic substitutin reactions are like studies….haloalkanes like ramitha and darshana are reactive towards it..And psychopaths like you and me, dear benzene are unreactive towards it..You contain halogen atoms that have electron pairs that are in conjugation with pi –electrons..and me..i have thoughts that are in conjugation with plenty of worries  L !! sigh!!.anyhow ,,I  have to study.. take care…bye

 With quantum love

An organic organism

Ashwathy

 



Nothing lasts forever..(series)

 

Iwonder why...but nothing lasts forever

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That unscrupulous wet guest was back and I complained to my mother. . . I thought she was practical in a very childish way … but she reacted in a very unexpected manner..she started laughing!.I couldn’t see what was so funny about my revulsion for the rain..the unwelcome visitor who had been knocking  wildly at my  windows  until it had taken my helplessness for granted and had made its way into my room by breaking my window pane! I might be wrong but its difficult to imagine that that was not revenge for my loathing for it!but then again one has to bare with it… even worse,One has to bare with the people around who like it!

                  My desire to sew the rain for invasion of privacy was eluding my senses ,but also the dirty muck had me soaked from head to toe on my way to the bus stop..and god knows umbrellas don’t help..nor do rain coats completely…the same god I thank for giving me a mind; something very restless and distracted..it had taken to observing  things that filled me with absolute  redicule.I could have closed my eyes at the little toddlers bathing in the dirty puddles with their shower ; the sky ..but I couldn’t help a frown at their mothers who would be  upset with disease; yet now they were  trying to hide a smile...after all , Their innocent  ones were laaaughing!!!..a teenage couple chatted  end on at the coffee corner near to the stop.They appeared  to like the weather soo much, I hoped they would jump into the rain and start dancing…I was bored anyway..some entertainment would have helped ..but I thought the world  too practical for that..I was considering the thought meticulously when I saw an old lady with an umbrella probably as old as her,  make her way through the wet crowd..she reminded me of the grandmother in the Tiny Toons show…that may be the reason ,but I liked her just the same. She came to stand by me and asked me how I liked the weather ..I said it was just fine..but she laughed at that as if she sensed my hatred for it.. .my cell started ringing just then and my mothers voice shouted at me through the loudness of the rain.I had  to start my expedition through the rain ..again..and there I went  after  I excused myself and  walked through the rain like a camel in the beach with my umbrella folded in ma hands… the solitude of the streets carried ma mind to the past..when my mother was running to reach home with me small and young sitting on her shoulder and enjoying the rain… …I couldn’t help a tear in my eye when I realized I had grown up…….those were great times and I developed immense longing for it..I wondered then…why nothing lasted forever….

                        



     I then did something I couldn’t believe I actually  did…I was jumping into the puddles up and down with all the heart I had..I let  my heart  flying and soaring with the thunders and the rain….it was strange..to act like a five year old…reflections of the past ;the thoughts of a 5 year old that I had been secretly treasuring….for the first time in many years ..with all my heart …well…I  laughed!.........

 

 

 

 

I wonder why...but nothing lasts forever………


I had taken my first few steps after I had walked in through the gates,..the bell tolled 12.30 and a huge throng of blue surrounded me in haste…my heart instantly succeeded in accentuating both; my attachment to this ambiance…. I reckoned the paints and shades had changed…but the aura  of this heaven was akin

my closest pal had accompanied me at my request but she had been a little tentative to concede .and as I had dragged her here, I had to make sure the visit wouldn’t end as matter of faux pas for her .I held myself back from giving in completely to my long forgotten old acquaintances here: the brick walls which were lately repainted or not even to those mighty winds here..which had had the same distracting dexterity few yrs back  …I enthusiastically pointed at every new thing that had come up and proudly smiled at the old buildings..to all my proud ostentations..she was yawning weakly..I wanted to stop …but I realized…neither  my heart  nor mouth would stop ranting  …

                  That room there ,always used to be a matter of mystery to me…it used to be  like the magic shop in fairy tales…it had an old uncle who could craft all the shades  of the rainbow with transparent water in different bottles..he used to entertain the big kids inside and let them do magic too…but the room gave notorious smells frequently and my friends would cover their noses …but I would flare my nostrils to take in the odor….”wow!!!”  used to be my reaction towards the whole affair  until  realization cameto me as to what the room actually was…my theories of the magic room and the wizard uncle..all seemed to be  flawed ….the room  was  The chemistry lab ,the old wizard :the lab assistant           .hence  ..as I grew up here,the   introduction of salts and h2s in my life had  put a full stop to my  fairy tale..and a gate to reality had opened for me..i had thought that those last years here were hectic .. standing out of the class more than inside…doing home works  I did not know how to do…..i had then realized many important things in life too.like .the fact that falling asleep while writing an exam, and  answering  the answers which you never knew ,you knew  (until you say it i.e)are absolutely possible experience one can get...  my longing for  that time  to end had seemed endless….i felt like a victim of real life irony now  when I  just caught myself remarking it as the best years of my life..

A sudden shock grasped me when an old lady had shook me from the back and as I looked at her I reckoned her to be my teacher..her face had changed sadly with time ..her strict spectacles were still on her nose as I remembered it ..in her shaky voice she enquired and I complied to all queries.(finally !!! I realized was giving her right answers)..a smile had lit up her face and and a tint of pride had  entered her eyes..water was what came to mine  when I saw the same in every one of them who had sprouted in me the seeds of strength ,hard work and morals…I slipped out of the room with an emotional enthusiasm ..

The bell tolled for the third time now since my entry …and a huge  throng of blue surrounds me in haste…i  walked with my friend (who had become ruthlessly restless)and  when I was slowly conceiving the fact that once,I too was part of this throng…I wondered  why… nothing lasted forever ..  I walked with the frenzied crowd and again  perceived that  the paints and shades had changed….+